I know that everyone would be disappointed if Dr. Seuss was a child molester, but would anybody be surprised. Well, as an investigative journalist, I took it upon myself to find the lost court recordings from the Dr. Seuss child molestation case and have posted parts of the final arguments here.
[Prosecuting Attorney] Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you were informed about how Mr. Seuss is not a doctor and posed as such to give children a false sense security. You have heard the countless testimony from the children that were molested by Mr. Seuss. How he flamboozled their wingtangles, gabished their gabobbles and did a lot of weird anal stuff that is too terrible to ever mention in this court room. Your job as a citizen and as a human being is to serve justice to Mr. Seuss in the form of a guilty verdict and twelve consecutive life sentences plus one.
[Defense Attorney] Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Dr. Seuss is not a bad man, an evil man; he is simply guilty of loving people. Is it a crime to love a person? I should hope not! And what about loving a child, isn’t a child just a small person, and if Horton taught us anything, “a person is a person, no matter how small”. No, Dr. Seuss is not guilty of the charges brought against him, these people had brains in their heads and shoes on their feet and were free to leave the Seuss Ranch at any time they so please. But they decided of their own free will that the places they’d go were to Dr. Seuss’s bed. Now I urge you, do not be a Grinch and find this man innocent.
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