To Ponder

Why are their even child predators to begin with? Aren't there enough eighteen year old midgets? Wouldn't it be easier to catch little people instead of catching predators?

Horse Breeding

People breed animals to bring out desirable traits, so is anybody breeding horses based on the stickiness of the glue they produce? It seems like the people at Elmer's would be all over an idea like that. What I'm trying to say is that I have three horses that can climb on the ceiling and nobody seems to want to buy them. Please help me find Tacky, Krazy, and Rubber Cement a home.

The Man's Alphabet

Why do we need so many letters in the alphabet? Twenty six letters is too much! Men only need five letters to express every thought we've ever had.

The Manphabet:
A, B, C, D, DD

Lost Dr. Seuss Court Recordings

I know that everyone would be disappointed if Dr. Seuss was a child molester, but would anybody be surprised. Well, as an investigative journalist, I took it upon myself to find the lost court recordings from the Dr. Seuss child molestation case and have posted parts of the final arguments here.

[Prosecuting Attorney] Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you were informed about how Mr. Seuss is not a doctor and posed as such to give children a false sense security. You have heard the countless testimony from the children that were molested by Mr. Seuss. How he flamboozled their wingtangles, gabished their gabobbles and did a lot of weird anal stuff that is too terrible to ever mention in this court room. Your job as a citizen and as a human being is to serve justice to Mr. Seuss in the form of a guilty verdict and twelve consecutive life sentences plus one.

[Defense Attorney] Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Dr. Seuss is not a bad man, an evil man; he is simply guilty of loving people. Is it a crime to love a person? I should hope not! And what about loving a child, isn’t a child just a small person, and if Horton taught us anything, “a person is a person, no matter how small”. No, Dr. Seuss is not guilty of the charges brought against him, these people had brains in their heads and shoes on their feet and were free to leave the Seuss Ranch at any time they so please. But they decided of their own free will that the places they’d go were to Dr. Seuss’s bed. Now I urge you, do not be a Grinch and find this man innocent.

What is Window Pie?

Window Pie is a philosophy, a way of life, which was explained to me by one of the wisest drunk person I have ever met. My encounter with my inebriated Mr. Miyagi was as follows:

Drunk Guy: Dude, this shit is cool as window pie!

Me: what’s window pie?

Drunk Guy: window pie is when some old lady grandma will make a pie and you know she be setting that shit on the window sill to cool. And then, if you and your buds are buzzed up and walk by, you can take that pie and hey, free pie for the rest of the night! That’s window pie.